A Swift Reply

Why Hello There Modellian,

I am so happy to hear from you and to hear that all it takes is Taylor Swift to snap you out of a coma, free you from the shackles of corporate law, and get your fat fingers typing. This sounds like the most excellent of shows, and to your list, I present you with a counter-list:

1. It sounds like “Shake It Off” was pretty awesome, but what were your other highlights of the show? I sort of forget what pre-1989 Taylor was like. Did she do any of her old hits?

2. What are her old hits? What was the tipping point for Taylor when she graduated from awkward country star to the awkward leader of the free world? Was it Red? Or John Mayer? Or her cats? Seriously, I went to bed one night a hater and woke up the next day a disciple. What is Taylor’s end game? Is this it? Are we just going to live in a Taylor-centered universe for the rest of our days? There has to be a scandal– somewhere, somehow– but what is it?

3. Both Sam Mendes (isn’t he an Academy Award-winning director?) and Vance Joy covered the SAME Sam Smith song? Was this a mistake? Or on purpose? It seems like majorly poor planning on their part, even if Sam Smith is in Taylor’s illuminati.

4. Taylor definitely has her own illuminati.

5. Why aren’t we a part of Taylor’s illuminati? She lives at 155 Franklin Street, which is .3 miles away from The Nancy. While she doesn’t strike me as a dive bar kind of gal (I actually sort of feel like she only drinks apple juice because she is a toddler), I kind of need to figure out how to get her there.

6. Did you read that Lena Dunham finally realized how weird it is that she and Taylor are friends? What do you think they talk about?

7. Do you think she and Calvin Harris actually have sexual relations? There is something so non-sexual about her. Let’s do a deep fan fic dive on the relationship between Calvin and Taylor for a minute. I don’t know much about him as a person except that he is British and that he fell in love in a hopeless place and that sometimes he feels so close to me in the summer and that he looks like Shawn B. from the Bachelorette. Like Lena, what do you think that they talk about? Her aw-shucks American-ness and his reserved Scottish-ness don’t seem, on the surface at least, that they would mesh well. What do they do on Sunday mornings together?

8. Let’s talk about Taylor’s Instagram account for a minute. She has a professional photographer follow her and all of her friends around, right? Like, I’m not great at taking photos but an iPhone is an iPhone is an iPhone. And though I don’t have an assortment of awesome, giant, patriotic beach towels or a pool with inflatable swans, my photos will never look like her photos and that’s what I have to say about that.

9. I’m all about feminism, but I don’t really trust anything that Taylor has to say on the topic.

10. I highly doubt that other pop stars bake cookies for their fan clubs. While there is a joke somewhere in here about Ariana Grande and her insatiable love of donuts, I will leave that to your imagination.

11. No, this was nothing like Woodstock.

12. Do you have any songs in your Best Song of All Time List that were released before 2008? Ever heard of the Beatles?

13. 13 is an unlucky number. Does she like taunting evil? Is this the scandal that will do her in at the end? Is she trying to change and past from the future, like Terminator: Genisys?

14. I would really love if the Fray serenaded you with the entire cast of Grey’s Anatomy. Did you ever see the Grey’s musical episode? It was the weirdest 42 minutes in an already pretty blah and bizarre and forgettable season. Let’s just pretend that seasons six and seven didn’t exist and call it a day. [Breaking the Fourth Wall: You actually, really just sent me a random email about Grey’s Anatomy couples’ power rankings. For someone that claims to not be a diehard fan of the show, your love of the Fray and the fact that you watch the “Pick me, choose me, love me” speech on YouTube paints a different picture.]

15. While I find the song rather meh, “Bad Blood” made me love Ellen Pompeo and Mariska Hargitay even more.

16. Though I never want anyone to get hurt, I am really into concert mishaps. I like seeing how celebrities react in stressful situations. Like when Madonna got yanked backwards by her cape (anything that involves a cape is funny to me) or when Dave Grohl randomly fell off the stage and broke his leg. And don’t even get me started on Ashley Simpson and the “Pieces of Me” debacle which is the best of all debacles.

17. I would have paid more than $119 to watch the side eye of all the boyfriends watching you while you danced like no one was watching.

18. $119 does not seem like that much money, especially for you, Richie Rich. That is until I saw those photos of your seats. Do you need a tissue for that nosebleed? I told you that my cut off for blind, gratuitous spending is $60. Anything over that, and I get nervous and have to start debating if it is worth my money. Nevertheless, I would have happily paid $119 to see Tay. And you.

19. Dancing in stadiums is always a bit of a scary undertaking because I have this irrational fear that I am going to get so caught up in the moment and shake it off so vigorously that I am going to topple down rows and mezzanines and loges and incur a tragic but embarrassing death that will surely make the evening news.

20. I’m crazy, but it has to happen to someone. The local news isn’t just going to write itself.

21. Did you know that Taylor’s family used to own a Christmas tree farm in Pennsylvania? You should know this because I have told you before about my profound love for hot guys who sell Christmas trees on the streets on New York.

22. Shout out to “22.”

23. Taylor’s brother’s name is Austin. I used to wish that my name was Austin. This was back when I hated my first name because it wasn’t Tiffany or Samantha, and I just really wanted to be called Tiffany or Samantha but also really dug names that were after places, which is a trend that has really caught on as of late: Brooklyn Beckham, Brooklyn Lachey, and Horatio Hamilton (my friend’s kid). I thought Austin was cool because it was gender neutral, and that was even before Austin was considered the capital of cool.

24. Girl Who Loves Noodles is the best girlfriend ever. She is totally judging you.

25. I am ending this at 25 because I want to pretend that I am a celebrity being interviewed for US Weekly and because that is how old Taylor is and how old she makes me feel.

Cheers to you,
Dr. Teddy Altman

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