Wow, I’ve Never Seen That


Are you ready to get your mind blown? So, I have this stubborn habit of not seeing movies that everyone else has seen and has societally (or, more likely, socioeconomically) agreed to love. Some examples that are deeply engrained in the consciousness of people our age include Fight Club, the aforementioned Shawshank, and Seven. Now I have seen these movies, but I saw them all begrudgingly and way after they left the movie theater and really, actually, mostly because some dumb boyfriend of mine thought that it would be really special if they could share something important with me.

What might get your lovely nerd heart aflutter today on May the Fourth is that I have never seen Star Wars. Yes, I am serious. Star Wars, perhaps the most famous movie in all of American cinema, has never been experienced by me. Of course, I’ve seen clips and can’t avoid the catchphrases and, once on Friends, heard about Princess Leia and the gold bikini, but I have no idea what they actually mean in any sort of rational consciousness. The reasons, my friend, are multiple fold. The most important reason is that I never had access to it. While I am old, Star Wars came out many years before I was born. I didn’t have an older brother, so I was basically at the whims of watching whatever my parents fed to me, and I guess they’re not really into Star Wars either. Sci-fi and fantasy and outerspace movies really don’t interest me; by now, I’m sure you’re well-aware that I’d rather watch Clueless or Can’t Hardly Wait… than anything remotely serious, fantastical, or even new at this point. All I really want to do is re-watch the Meg Ryan oeuvre over and over and over again. (Of note, the Meg Ryan oeuvre also includes the fine works of Hugh Grant, Julia Roberts, Tom Hanks, Stacey Dash, and other now aged stars.) It turns out, simply put, that my family is just really weird. My sister and I compared notes the other day, and neither of us know any jokes, or any magic tricks, and we have few rituals except talking through awards shows and being overcritical of everything.

Now that I am old and make my own money and have my own DVD player and wifi connection, one could argue that it’s as good a time as any to watch all the Star Wars movies, the Princess Bride, and the Godfather trilogy (yes, add these to the list of films I have never seen). But guess what? I’m just not that into them. The Princess Bride was on television the other day, and I literally lasted less than a minute before changing the channel. It is probably something I should have seen when I was a child because it looks like it’s for babies.

I guess that’s the thing— movies are so fixed in time and place that if you see them out of context for the first time, it just doesn’t make sense. Yet, somehow, you can keep going back to it over and over and over again because it brings all those warm and fuzzy feelings back. You know how I am with feelings: I have them sometimes.

Can we talk about The Matrix for a second? As you know, I have been filling out a lot of surveys lately (more on that in another post), and one of the big questions is: What is the most private thing you’re willing to admit? Today, mine is: I don’t understand The Matrix. Seriously, I’m not an idiot, but I smoked a gross amount of weed circa 1999 and as a result my brain is atrophied. I also have only tried to watch that movie while stoned, and it really just doesn’t make any sense. So, please, tell me more about this sci-fi situation.

I have seen Forest Gump, and I too am hoping for a miracle that my shackles will come off and I will be able to run like the wind at the Brooklyn Half. By shackles, I mean my fat, slow thighs, my adult-onset allergies that prevent me from breathing, and my brain that literally says “This is the worst, this is the worst, this is the worst” on repeat from my very first step. I’ve also never seen Rudy, and I’m hoping greatness. My name is not great for chanting though– too many syllables. I’ve decided to give up training and hope for the best. I hear great things happen in Brooklyn.

Seeing you at the starting line, but hopefully sooner.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s