She Watches Televison: The Bachelorette

Modo!

The Bachelorette is back!

Somehow I had no idea this was happening, and I am semi-conflicted because I really wanted to watch the Voice tonight (Go Michelle! #teamusher), but I haven’t missed a Bachelorette premiere in years. These are the times I wish I had DVR. Or a life. Or both?

I’m usually more of a Bachelor fan. While I guess it’s nice to look at 25 men, they are usually pretty dull. And, let’s face it, boys don’t get as catty as girls do, so all the behind-the-scenes shenanigans usually just involve the meatheads sitting around and getting drunk without any opportunity for me to throw shade at slutty outfits. And not to be sexist, but the Bachelorettes actually legitimately want to get married, whereas the Bachelors are all kind of dickfaced, harem-seeking, social climbers.

My other recaps haven’t worked out so well, but give me one more chance. If it’s terrible, go over to read the Kristen Baldwin recaps on EW because they are always so good.

Desiree is this season’s Bachelorette. I actually thought she had it in the bag with Sean. She has grown out her bangs rather nicely and looks a bit like Katie Holmes. She has a crazy family and small boobs and they’ve given her a bit of a modest house. She’s a bridal designer by trade which, after watching 76 episodes of Say Yes to the Dress, means she has weddings on the brain. As always, the first episode of the season is always a little slow to start because they have to give Des the proper backstory. Blah blah blah Sean Lowe blah blah blah when he said Catherine’s name blah blah blah put a ring on it blah blah blah Cinderella blah blah blah I’m ready blah blah blah I believe in this. Yeah, yeah, bring on the men!

[Crap, she’s still talking about fairy tales. Time for a brief Voice update. Shaksi is mumbling something in English.]

Okay, first night. She’s chosen a silver, glittery extravaganza of a dress. And now it’s time for a preview of some of the men. This is my favorite part of the night because these are the men that the Bachelorette producers have deemed interesting enough to give extra airtime. And they are:

Bryden, a military guy, who hasn’t had a serious relationship in years and likes to fist pump. I’ve dated military men. Save yourself, Des. It’s not a fun path. You do not want to be the first woman he dates after coming back from a tour of Iraq. (Crap, I’ve made this really dark already. Sorry! Back to roses!) Will, a black banker from Chicago, who likes bikram yoga and gives out free high fives to strangers on the street. No thanks. Drew, a product of divorced parents with an alcoholic father and a “severely mentally handicapped” sister. Sounds like fun. Nick, a very short and hairy tailor, who sidegigs as a magician. Oh god. He says, “Every magician needs as assistant.” Moving on. Zak, a dude from Texas who is from the “middle of nowhere,” likes to wear socks while swimming, waxes his eyebrows, and likes to hang out in his house naked. No big deal. Robert, an entrepreneur, which I’ve always thought is just code for being unemployed. Wait, it looks like he actually does have a job, but just wants publicity for his company. He has a one-eyed dog and looks like a cast member from Glee. Precious. Mike, a questionably British (did anyone hear his mother speak?) dental student. His tight deep-V t-shirt and penchant for walking in the woods makes me think that he might not like girls. Brandon, a self-proclaimed “adrenaline junkie.” I hate when people say that. Over footage of him waterskiing, he continues the analogy: “Growing up the water’s been a little choppy.” He also is a product of divorce with an addict of a mother. He sounds just like Drew! They should be friends. Or lovers?

That’s it for the sneak preview, but now it’s time for the first limo! Though I’m not sure anyone cares, I’ve decided to introduce all 25 of them. Bear with me. This is more for my own benefit than for yours. This way I have a published record that I can reference all season long. Woot!

1. Drew—The first guy with divorced parents. Blah.
2. Brooks—Looks like Desiree’s brother—brunette, wavy hairy, olive skin. Won’t last long.
3. Brad—Brings a wishbone because of some reference to her making a wish in the fountain in the first episode of last season.
4. Bryden—Army guy. He says, “You look stunning.” Who says that? If anyone said that to me, I would laugh in their face.
5. Michael G.—Also has her make a wish in the fountain with a penny. Looks like these men are staying at home and watching the Bachelor.
6. Kasey with a K—I really cannot stand when Casey is spelled with a K. He works in social media and tells her so: “I looked you up.” Hashtag stalker.
7. Will—God, the guy with the high five again. Turns out he’s the only black dude this season. He talks way too much and looks like a bit of a flounder. He won’t last long.
8. Mikey T.—No man who is 30 should go by the name Mikey. Talks about his family. Good move. Kick her in the ovaries.
9. Jonathan—Brings her a fantasy suite card. Though he thought it was a nice move, it fails terribly. Keep reading. It gets worse.
10. Zak—The Naked Guy. True to form, he comes out of the limo without a shirt. Vomit in my ball gown.
11. James—Also may not really like girls. Somehow related to loyalty, he says, “I’m gonna grow old and get fat.” He’s halfway there already.
12. Larry—ER doctor. Wants to teach her a dance move because “I love to dance.” Tries to dip her and fucks up her dress. Major fail.
13. Nick R.—The Magician. Obviously he does a magic trick. Still short. Still Hairy.
14. Zack K.— Nothing says he’s ready to settle down than a man wearing a tuxedo and Chucks. He has nothing to say.
15. DiogoNot Diego. He’s wearing some Jedi outfit? Oh no, he’s dressed like a knight from Medieval Times because “I’m here to be your knight in shining armor.” He is the worst. And is a hot sweaty mess under that armor and can’t even walk. Going home. Putting ten bucks down.

[Back to The Voice. America, please vote off the Swon Brothers already. Please. For the love of God.]

Oh god, that was only 15 men. 10 more to go. Don’t hold your breath.

16. Chris—Gets down on one knee then makes a joke about needing to tie is shoe. Way to mock marriage, dude. Know your audience.
17. Mike—The British Dentist Kid. He says, “I figure I’ll be your McDreamy tonight.” Little does she know he’s a dental student. Totally gay.
18. Robert—Another nondescript white guy. He says, “I’m not much of a tie guy.” Okay, so why did you wear one?
19. Juan Pablo—Venezuelan soccer player. She can’t pronounce his name. He brings her Venezuelan chocolate. She responds, “I love chocolate,” and totally sounds like one of the Swarovski crystal girls on SNL.
20. Brandon—The Adrenaline Junkie. Shows up on a motorcycle, which is nice touch, but weirdly puts a bandana over his face as he rides up and also feels the need to wear leather motorcycle gloves even though all he had to do was bike up the driveway.
21. Brian—In response to him wearing a velvet blazer and jeans, he says, “I do the suit thing every day back home.” Subtext: “I make a lot of money.”
22. Micah—Law student who decides to wear an outfit that he has sewn himself. He also seems like a diehard Bachelor fan. Who are these guys?
23. Nick M.—Wrote her a poem. It rhymes. She says, “Thank you for that. I love poetry.”
24. Dan—Works in beverage sales in Vegas. He’s totally gay.
25. Ben—Single Dad, who is totally pimping his child but Des falls for it, and I’m falling for it too. Yum. I like him. But, just remember Des, Brody will always come first.

[Quick Voice update. Sasha Allen is super Broadway but is killing an Usher tune.]

The cocktail party is pretty generic, but you can tell that the producers are struggling to make it look interesting. Des looks tired, only mildly interested, like she is interviewing summer interns. Highlights? Turns out the Beverage Sales Guy watches the Bach on the reg. The Magician gets the first alone time with Des. The Dancing Doctor is very upset about this because he really wanted to see a magic trick. The Adrenaline Junkie gives Des his mother’s AA coin (which just has to be bad juju). Her Brother Brooks looks greasy. The Single Dad gets the First Impression Rose because he likes to camp and hunt and Des is only minorly freaked out that he and his baby momma are still best friends. Wait, he’s also an entrepreneur—does that mean he’s unemployed too? The Naked Guy is still naked and ultimately jumps in the pool but somehow gets a rose for it.

[Voice update: The buxom girl who looks like Carnie Wilson is singing that Gotye song, who I randomly saw on the street today. She’s good.]

Diogo is still wearing his armor. Someone breakdances. The Army Guy gets a rose. Des, did you not listen to me? Do not get swayed by the power of the military! He will have anger issues! And nightmares! And a fear of intimacy! (Sorry, again. I can’t help myself. And Happy Memorial Day?!) Hot man soccer game. Meow.

[Voice update: Man, I hate country music.]

The guy with the alcoholic father and handicapped sister tells Des that he has “butterflies” and that she has a “beautiful dress.” Do men actually talk like this? I mean, he gets a freaking rose! Des has wine eyes. The Dancing Doctor is totally creepy. He doesn’t blink! He says, “I definitely watched Sean’s season. You are my favorite.” Her response: “Are you sleepy?” Send him back to ER! Stop putting on and taking off your glasses! You’re confusing me. Jonathan busies himself to create a Fantasy Suite rapey den. And does one-legged pushups. And says, “I’m going to try to kiss Desiree on the mouth.” Gross, dude. Then he says to her, “I was trying to be funny, and you didn’t really get it.” Way to tell a girl that she doesn’t have a sense of humor. I hope he’s drunk, otherwise he’s a complete lunatic. He also sounds like one of the Swarovski crystal girls. Boom! First elimination of the season! OMG, the social media guy only talks in hashtags! Send him home too!

Time for the Rose Ceremony! Dayum, all of these dudes look the same. Even the black dude blends in with the crowd. Who’s In: the five guys that already have roses (bah, I’m overwhelmed and don’t know all their names); The Adrenaline Junkie; the guy wearing Converse; The Black Dude; her Brother Brooks; the Venezuelan soccer player; the wishbone guy; Kasey with a K (aka the social media guy); “Grow old and get fat” dude; some guy named Robert who is doe-eyed and looks like he’s had collagen injections in his lips; velvet blazer rich guy; Dan, who looks like Jeff Probst from Survivor; the shoe-tying guy; and an adult named Mikey.

Who’s Out: All the guys with gimmicks—The Magician, The Dancing Doctor, The Dental Student, and The Guy With The Weird Suit.

So, turns out, Des is a bit vanilla. She chose the beefy, meatheads over anyone who took a bit of a risk. I don’t know if this bodes well for a good television season, but we’ll just have to watch and find out.

Did you watch the Bachelorette, Modellian? Why do I have a feeling the answer is no?

In Sickness and In Health,
Rose Lover

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